Call Me Teddy Ballgame

As the United States economy cruises along on a low, even plane, following a sharp decline which has led to people's retirement funds to disappear, including 401K and IRA plans. Some people who were lucky, or not so lucky enough, to own stock have seen there worth plummet. People have gotten laid off and now everybody is scared, i mean buying a coffee in the morning from Dunks makes you feel guilty. You could have bought a bag of Green Mountain Coffee, which is rumored to be used at Dunkin Donuts anyway, for $5.99. That six bucks could stretch to upwards of 15 cups of Green Mountain coffee if your really frugal, a far cry from the two and a half medium regulars you would have had at Dunks.

A typical morning for the average American is a microcosm of their entire life as we know it. However, I am by know means an economic expert, I live each day trying to keep my percentages up.

By percentages I mean things like my batting and fielding percentages, slugging and on-base, and daily percentages. Eligible daily percentages include:

angry about the economy/life/career/vehicle/relationships/money,
relaxed,
drunk,
sleeping/being incoherent and,
chores.

A job or other responsibility, including, weddings, funerals, wakes, graduations, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and family fall under chores, so this category isn't always a bad thing despite the conotation.

Girlfriends fall under family, and masturbation of any kind falls under relaxed.

Myself,as well as many Americans try to play these percentages throughout life as a day to day means of coping with existence. My percentage of relaxed, drunk, and sleep/being incoherent must outweigh the percentage of anger about the above mentioned shitiness, and chores.

These categories very rarely coexist, the tricky part of life is to make these categories coexist to sway the percentages in your favor. For instance you can't really sleep or be incoherent during a funeral, or at your daughters dance recital. Most of the time you can't be drunk at your job. You can however, be incoherent, if you try hard enough, while shopping, masturbate with your girlfriend, or be drunk at a wedding, you can definetely be drunk while playing all-star calibur softball. I am an expert at that.

The worst part of it all, the most horrible category, the thoughts and anger about
the economy/life/career/vehicle/relationships/money, can be done at any time, while doing anything. The key is to balance these percentages so in the end your batting at a .400 clip.


Definitions:
1. in-co-her-ent, adj. :unable to think or express one's thoughts in a clear or orderly manner.
2. mi-cro-cosm, noun: anything that is regarded as a world in miniature.